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HUMOROUS POEMS/READINGS

Bound to bring a few chuckles are some of the poems and readings Viola has collected or written over the years.

Fred's first language was German. Throughout the years, we have been with many German-speaking people. Here is a sample of some of the English/German readings Viola has composed.

AN ENGLISHMAN'S DILEMMA

For many months I have honestly tried to learn the German language, but to no avail.

Meine guten Freude, how do you expect an Englishman's tongue to get around such words as:


In German, a young lady has no sex, while a turnip has. See how this sounds:

Gretchen: Wilhelm, where is the turnip?
Wilhelm: SHE has gone to the kitchen. (Die Steckrube ist in die Kuche gegangen)
Gretchen: Where is the accomplished and beautiful English maiden?
Wilhelm: IT has gone to the opera. (Es ist in die Oper gegangen)

A tree is male; its buds are female; its leaves are neuter.

A person's mouth, neck, elbows, fingers, nails, feet, and body are of the male sex.
(Der Mund, der Hals, Der Ellbogen, der Finger, der Nagel, der Fuss)

In Germany all the women wear male heads!

A person's nose, lips, shoulders, hands and toes are of the female sex! (Die Nase, die Lippen, die Schulter)

His hair, ears, eyes, chin, legs, knees, heart, and conscience haven't any sex at all! (das Haar, das Ohr, das Kinn, das Bein, das Knie)

This explains why it is so hard for an English person to learn the wonderful German language. Probably the best way to help our poor tongues would be to take a trip to Germany.

If I ever take a trip to Germany, I shall look for the first checking station and hand over my English tongue for safekeeping until I leave for home.

Wenn ich mal die Gelegenheit habe nach Deutschland zu fahren, werde ich die erste Gepackaufbewahrungs-stelle aufsuchen und meine kostbare englische zunge abgeben bis ich wieder nach Hause fahre.

Then I shall try out one of those German tongues and see if it will help me to get around such words as Freund-schafts-be-zei-gungen. But I'm afraid - even with trying out a German tongue, people will look at me mit Verzweiflung, throw up their hands, and say: "Wie schrecklich! Wie Schrecklich!"

JONAH and the WHALE

Now listen, my friends, and I'll tell you a tale,
How old Jonah the prophet got caught by the whale.
The whale caught poor Jonah and, bless your dear soul,
He not only caught him, but swallowed him whole.
A part of this story is awfully sad,
It is how a big city went to the bad,
When the Lord saw those people with such wicked ways,
He said, "I can't stand them more 'n forty more days!"

He spoke to old Jonah and said, "Go and cry
To those hard hearted people and tell them that I
Give them forty days more to get humbled down,
And if they don't do it, I'll tear up their town."
Jonah heard the Lord speaking and he said, "No,
That's against my religion, and I won't go.
Those Nineveh people mean nothing to me,
And I'm against foreign missions, you see."

He went down to Joppa and there, in great haste,
He boarded a ship for a different place;
The Lord looked down on that ship and said He,
"Old Jonah is fixing to run off from me."
He set the wind blowing with squeaks and with squeals,
And the sea got rowdy and kicked up its heels;
Old Jonah confessed it was all for his sin;
The crew threw him out, and the whale took him in.

The whale said, "Old fellow, don't you forget,
I am sent here to take you in out of the wet,
You will get punished aright for your sin,"
So he opened his mouth, and poor Jonah went in.
On beds of green seaweed that fish tried to rest,
He said, "I will sleep while my food I digest."
But he got mighty restless and sorely afraid,
And he rumbled inside as the old prophet prayed.

The third day that fish rose up from his bed
With his stomach tore up and a pain in his head;
He said, "I must get to the air mighty quick,
For this wicked backslider is making me sick."
He winked his big eyes and wiggled his tail
And pulled for the shore to deliver his male;
He stopped near the shore and looked all around,
And spewed old Jonah right up on the ground.

Poor Jonah thanked God for His mercy and grace,
And turning around to the whale made a face.
He said, "After three days I guess you have found
A good man, old fellow, is hard to keep down."
He stretched himself out with a yawn and a sigh
And sat down in the sun for his clothing to dry;
He thought how much better his preaching would be,
Since from Whale Seminary he had a degree.

When he had rested and dried in the sun,
He started for Nineveh, right on the run;
He thanked his dear Father in heaven above
For His tender mercy and wonderful love.
And though he was nearly three days late,
He preached from the time he entered the gate,
Till the whole population repented and prayed.
And by God's great mercy, His vengeance was stayed.

Now friends, when you disobey, remember this tale,
When you run from God's call, look out for the whale;
Wherever God calls you is the place you should go,
And He will go with you His Word tells you so.

(Author Unknown)

NOTE:
The whale was a great personal worker:
• He was called of God
• He was in the right place at the right time
• He got his man.

HOW TO COOK A HUSBAND

A good many husbands are entirely spoiled by mismanagement in cooking and are not so tender and good. Some women keep them in hot water; others freeze them; and others keep them constantly in a pickle. It cannot be supposed that husbands will be good and tender if they are managed this way. However, if properly treated, they are delicious!

If you do not want to learn how to cook him properly, it would be better to have no husband. It does not make so much difference what you cook him in as how you cook him. Don't keep him in the pan by force as he will stay there himself if proper care is taken. If he splutters or fizzes, do not be anxious; some husbands do this. Add a little sugar in the form of what confectioners call "kisses," but no vinegar or pepper on any account. A little spice improves him, but it must be used with care. Do not try him with anything sharp to see if he is becoming tender. Stir him gently lest he stay too long in the pan and become flat and tasteless. If treated in this way, you will find him very digestible, and he will agree very well with you.

(From a very old English cookbook)

BURGLAR BILL

I'll sing you a song of Burglar Bill - who tried to rob a house.
He opened a window and crept right in - as quiet as a mouse.
He said to himself, "I'll hide away 'til everyone is asleep.
Then quick as a flash, I'll take the cash, and out of the house I'll creep."

So he hid himself right under the bed, hard up against the wall.
But he hadn't a clue who owned the place - or he'd never have stayed at all.
He never thought - well, he never knew - as under the bed he lay,
That in the night he'd get a fright that would turn his hair to grey.

At nine o'clock the owner came in. "I'm tired as can be," she said.
And figuring that all was right well - she didn't look under the bed.
She took out her teeth and her old glass eye, and the hair from off her head.
And Burglar Bill turned icy cold with panic beneath the bed.

Well, he waited for hours - then out he crept. He felt a total wreck.
But the old maid - she was still awake, and she grabbed him by the neck!
She never screamed or fainted away, but calm as any clam
She said: "My prayers are answered. Oh! Thank heaven! I've found a man!"

She whipped a revolver from under the pillow and to the burglar said:
"Young fellow, you'll have to marry me now - or I'll blow off the top of your head!"

Poor Bill looked at her teeth and heaved a sigh...
At the ghastly wig and the old glass eye...
The coy little smile...the provocative pose,
And the vericose veins on the end of her nose.

With evil grin she aimed her gun; there wasn't a chance to scoot.
In desperation the burglar cried: "Lady! I implore you! SHOOT!"

PETE AND ME

A little boy is being punished, and the punishment is that he has to stay indoors for two weeks. As the scene opens, he is calling out from his window to a playmate.

Hoo - Hoo - can you come over a little while and play?
You see, I'm being punished and can't go out today.
If you can't come inside - can't you come to the gate?
You see, I'm in for two whole weeks.
(Pauses) Awwww - let your errand wait.

Sure, I'll tell you how it was - I'd just as soon as not.
I didn't think it was so bad - but just look what I got.
You know when that Convention was here a week ago?
And that preacher who stayed here and was so bald, you know?

Well, Peter Ramsey, he was here one night to play with me,
And all the folks had gone to church, and we looked 'round to see
What we could do to have some fun, and Peter knew a trick,
Which, if you can work it right, sure is awful slick.

You take the things all off the bed - except the middle slat,
Then put them back all balanced, nice, and looking smooth and flat.
And it works just like a teeter if you touch the head or foot,
But if you're very careful, it stays just like it's put.
We fixed it up, then played around until the folks came home,
And we just looked at picture books and waited till they come.

The preacher - he was awful warm - and took a seat outside
In the biggest rocker so comf'table and wide.
He sat so still, he fell asleep, and Peter and I were there,
And we both had nice wads of gum.
And Peter - I declare, Can think up just the nicest things, though mother don't agree.

Well, he leaned over to be close and whispered soft to me,
And we crept up behind his chair - the preacher's chair, I mean,
And his bald head did look so nice, all shiny, white and clean.
So we stretched the sticky gum all out into a nice, long string,
And made a map right on his head as nice as anything.

Then Peter - he went home - and left me all alone,
And you might know I'd get the blame - I always am the one.
That preacher made an awful fuss, and if you didn't know,
You'd never guess that he was one, the way he acted so.
He got real mad - exactly like just ordinary folks.
I never thought a preacher would get so mad at jokes.

Well, mother got the kerosene and worked and worked and worked,
And I just wish you could have seen the way he jerked, and jerked and jerked.
And after he was all fixed up and started off to bed,
I told him I was sorry, just like my mother said.

But just when the house got quiet, there came an awful crash,
I had forgot about the bed until I heard it smash.
He simply wasn't careful when he climbed into bed,
And when he did, the springs tipped up, and dumped him on his head.

I'm most ashamed to tell it, but it's true, I do declare,
That preacher - almost nearly - sweared an awful swear!

Then father came into my room, and closed and locked the door.
And said real loud, I'VE STOOD ENOUGH AND CANNOT STAND MUCH MORE."
And then he spoke up awful cross, a-whackin' mighty hard,
And said, "FOR PUNISHMENT, YOU'LL STAY TWO WEEKS IN THE YARD."
And then he turned and winked at me and slipped a quarter, too.
If it wasn't for my father, I don't know what I'd do.

But just the same, I'm staying in. "TO KEEP PEACE," father said.
But boy! I wish I'd seen that preacher standin' on his head!

(Source and author unknown)

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